I'm Gettin' There

It's crazy how this kind of thing happens. I woke up this morning thinking exactly what this song says. I heard it on my way to work and thought about it all day. It is SO true. I am doing my best and taking one little step at a time - with so many different things in life. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "I'm so glad to have the old Jennifer back." "You seem more like yourself these days." and "You look so happy!" I guess they are right - I am getting back to me - smiley, loving and compassionate me.  I'm thankful to be able to say that!

I am getting there - maybe very carefully and probably with training wheels and a helmet - but I'm Gettin' There!

Hope Floats

I used to watch this movie thinking how thankful I was that I never had to go through something like that. I couldn’t imagine how that woman felt and how that little girl was hurting. I wanted to climb through the television screen and wrap my arms around those two girls and just hold them tight.

The story of “Hope Floats” – in a nutshell:

Birdie, a seemingly happily married woman moves back home after her husband admits to having an affair. She struggles with the emotions associated with failed marriage – alongside her young daughter, Bernice. Bernice misses her father and struggles with who to blame for what has happened. The entire town knows what happened to her, which makes the process even more trying for her. Birdie finds that having once been the most popular girl in school may have left a bitter feeling among many of her old school mates, who can’t help but to rub it in her face that her life is no longer “perfect”. Meanwhile, an old friend, Justin enters her life sparking romance. Bernice tries to halt any of Justin’s attempts to love her Mother. And while his intentions are clear and good, Birdie struggles with the decision to let him fully into her life.

I recently watched this movie again – this time with an entire different mind set. I actually know now what this feels like. I know the midnight cries and closing everybody out of my life. I know how hard it is to open up to the idea of love again. I know that doing so also opens the heart up to being hurt again – and that isn’t something that seems okay. I know the emotional struggle that a little girl faces when her parents get divorced and I know the constant balancing act that the Mom must walk to keep her daughter from falling apart.

There was a time when I had wished that I didn’t know all of these things. That maybe it would have been better if he had never told me. Maybe life wouldn’t be so sad, so empty….so lonely. I have been “alone” a lot in my adulthood. But lonely…..that is not something that I do well. Lonely makes me sad.

I don’t feel that way anymore. When my world came crashing down around me and it seemed like I was drowning in a sea of anger, mistrust, sadness and confusion – I still had hope. Hope that things would someday change. That life wouldn’t feel so awful anymore. That my daughter would have good days – smile, laugh and play like a child should. That she wouldn’t continue to worry constantly about things that a little girl should never have to think about. Hope that I would someday open up to the idea of loving and being loved again. Hope that I would be able to trust again.

I guess the title to the movie is right.
Hope does float.

Proverbs 3:5

There's this country song in my head and I don't even remember who sings it. I don't remember all the words, but I have one particular line going through my mind like wildfire today. "I wanna be somebody else for a little while."  Why do I say this, you ask?

Let me start by saying that I have more going on in my life right now than I care to even elaborate on. The main thing here is that you look around and see carefree happiness everywhere. I don't wish for them to not have that, but I envy what they do have. I do wish that I could have a day where nothing is stressing me out so badly that I am on the verge of a total breakdown. I want to sit on the back porch at a barbeque and just watch the kids run and play. I want that. I do. I want to go watch a ballgame with my friends and blast our favorite music on the car ride home. I want to take my daughter out to the movies and see that excited and anxious look on her face just before the movie starts. I want the time to do these things - enjoy our life instead of just managing it. Time is not my friend these days - and luck a determined sidekick. 

So, what I have to ask myself are the following two questions:  Is this satan pushing my buttons and trying to drag me down? OR Is this me expecting to do too much in too little of a time frame?

I think it's both maybe. I expect to squeeze so much in one day, because I feel like I have to. I think when satan sees me doing that, he takes it and just runs with it by throwing in obstacles for me to jump over. Or is this God testing me, watching how I will handle things? Sometimes it's just so confusing trying to figure these things out. I guess I need to stop doing that. So, I am repeating this verse to myself hoping that it will overtake the other line that has been running rampid in my mind today.


"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5 

Chapter

So, we're finally going to close this dreadful chapter of our lives. I bought a house and we will be moving in just a few days. Faith is very excited about the move and although I am sad to move out of the home where Faith has grown up over the past 5 years; I too am excited to start anew. It is a small blue house just 5 miles from where we are now. She will be able to stay in the same school district and I will stay at my current job. The only thing that will change are the walls around us and for that I am very thankful.  He will be home in less than two weeks and I'm excited for Faith to have her Daddy home. At the same time, I am very uneasy about what emotions I have not yet dealt with - as I have not seen him face to face since I found out what he had done (with the exception of him dropping her off after their vacation). I feel as though I am okay and that I have already moved on, but I am worried that there is anger or hurt that I haven't "let out", because I have not had the opportunity to speak to him face to face. God will help me with whatever may come up. And so long as he is the Dad to Faith that he should be, I think everything will be fine. So....one chapter closes and a new one opens. Excited, anxious and scared all at the same time.

End in sight?

The phone calls, the emails, the facebook messages - does it ever end? Does he not realize that he can no longer turn to me? I am no longer his wife, his confidant or his friend. Why does he feel it's okay to turn to me when he needs help with something? I guess part of it is that I have this huge problem with saying "no" - and not just to him, but to anybody. I am that person to so many people and please don't think I am complaining, because I'm really not. I am glad that God has chosen me to be that strong person for so many of the people who I love and adore. But, I don't believe that God had this in mind. For this man to turn our lives completely upside down, lie to us, rip our hearts into a million pieces, walk away from us and then turn around and ask me for help.  I feel that it is an insult - a personal insult. For him to have hurt me in the way that he has, then try to make me feel guilty about things and then ask me to help him with something. That is insulting. Does he think that he has destroyed the woman I am - that I no longer have a voice of my own - that I no longer have a backbone?  If so - he is so terribly wrong! Just as he was when he told me "I've cheated on you almost 30 times, but I really do love you." That isn't love. I am so thankful that I am no longer bound by his chains.